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[14 Jan 2008|10:25am] |
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Goodbye livejournal.
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[24 Apr 2005|02:15pm] |
"My shortcomings consume me" she said so politely. He turned his face and she could see the disgust on it, even his cheek was slightly red.
She knew this was that moment when everything can fall apart. She told him she loved everything about him and nothing about herself. She confided in strangers and tumultuous relationships. She disguised herself with friends who meant nothing and bashful moments alone when no one could see up her skirt.
His arms outstretched and ready for a goodbye. She looked down at the gravel and it occured to her that every stone in that driveway meant something to someone at some place and time. He was talking but she wasn't listening. All she could hear were her thoughts and her mind telling her "this is what you let yourself become."
Monsters hide in closets, and so did she. She'd sit there under her spring 2003 collection and dust off her old shoes, but nothing, not even the black dress, could bring back the feeling that she once felt with him.
Nothing about these series of moments felt good. She remembered those times when every single moment felt like a birth. When every single birth felt like life. Now all she had left was a designer purse and her head in her hands.
She could scrub them for hours but all she could see was skin rubbed raw. She'd paint pictures of him, she'd stare at pictures of him. She'd carve his name under her ribs because that is where she liked to be touched the most.
She felt like Mary, only she was a whore. She felt like nothing she could do could ever redeem the fact that she was not quite ready to handle herself.
"I will never love you more than I did when you were imperfect" he said before he walked away.
She heard those words. And with one emotionless breath she replied,
"I never loved you at all."
FRIENDS ONLY
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| April showers |
[23 Apr 2005|10:33am] |
Monument is one of the best bands I've heard in a long time. They are seriously amazing.
Last night was awesome.
Viva la Grease Trucks.
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| Tell her you love her...your love can't be afraid. |
[21 Apr 2005|04:57pm] |
I have to tell myself to stop picking at old wounds. Candace, it is over, you have someone who loves you very much. I have someone who is strong enough to catch me when I fall.
Dear Arizona Diet Green Tea,
I love thee
Sincerely,
Candace
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes your heart will lie to you. Mine is for real. I love you heart.
I have a confession to make......I cooked last night. Shhh don't tell anyone.
Do you think the sweetest music of all is wedding bells? I won't know for a little while.
Gin and tonic is so last year.
Can you smell that in the air? That refreshing blend of clean laundry and clean hearts? As long as my heart is clean with you, I want my hands to be dirty with you.
I came to a realization about that summer that past so long ago. He was my Virgil, he lead me through hell, he introduced me to Satan, and now I'm changed. Like Dante I'm a cynic, and like Senecca I'll watch myself bleed.
and then take photos of myself lying on my bathroom floor....because I'm so fresh and clean.
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[20 Apr 2005|05:08pm] |
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It doesn't have to be perfect like a movie scene, love is almost always accidental.
I'm sick of people claiming that they fuck as hard as they mosh.
I'm sick of brass knuckle necklace charms.
I'm sick of counting post cards.
I'm sick of Ocean First Bank.
I'm really tired of not getting thanked by the bands I bust my ass for. Fuck you guys!
I'm NOT sick of my boyfriend, because he takes care of me when I need to go to the hospital and have a needle in my arm for four hours.
I'm NOT sick of my best friend, because she's always there for me.
I'm NOT sick of red wine, in particular Shiraz...thank you for being so good.
I'm NOT sick of beautiful weather.
I'm NOT sick of Baumer, they rock. www.myspace.com/baumer
I'm very happy. I will miss you tonight when I come home and you aren't there. I can't wait to combine paychecks.
I'm learning so much about myself, I feel like I should charge myself tuition.
the most love,
Candace
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| I love Jessica L. Raczkiewicz |
[18 Apr 2005|10:30am] |
This weekend was pretty fantastic. I spent it with my core, and it felt good. Friday night me, my parents, Antonio, and Jess went to Carrabbas and ate really good Italian food and drank three pitchers of Sangria...intense. I got drunk and passed out in my bed before Joey even got home from the studio.
Last night was Rich Cali's going away party. I'm going to miss that kid, a lot. He won't be home until October. There will be no drunken pool parties involving Rich this summer, which is kind of sad. There was just something about him showing up at my house, wasted, with Jack Daniels in a brown paper bag, and no shirt on. Cannonballs rule.
My birthday extravaganza is on May 6th, in the city if you people want to come and were not informed already. It's me and Christine's joint bday thingy, it's going to rule, get into it.
I'm a little hungover right now, and this soy latte is kind of helping. Jettie is helping too. Listen to them, they are Swedish and want American loving. www.myspace.com/jettie
I leave now.
Look at how good my boyfriend is:
ulyssdog: does that mean that you'll bring candace over in a thong and let me spank her like a bad monkey?
XJoeySouthSideXYes...treat her like a love slave.
XJoeySouthSideX: she's all yours for 20$ and a cheesesteak.
nice.
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[15 Apr 2005|04:28pm] |
I'm listening to Sean Paul...
and our publicist at work was just in the room talking to Twiggy Ramirez on the phone.
Life is good.
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| Friends come complete with baggage and birthdays. |
[15 Apr 2005|12:20pm] |
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Do you know what happens to people like us when we die? Neither do I.
We sit in our chairs and think about tea, because as Americans, all we want is cleansing. We want our cake and we want to fucking eat it too, because, well, that's how we are. If I had all the cake in the world, and 10 staircases to climb, I still wouldn't be satisfied. The only thing that makes me proud is your hands on my hips and you, in all your perfectness, telling me that I bake really well.
You can't ask for much. You can wish for babies, and a never-ending supply of red wine, but in the end, all we want is happiness and someone who understands us. Like a crossword puzzle, you're vowels mesh so well with my consonants. It's fate.
There are tiny fetuses out there who never had a chance to be born. Their wings were wrapped around a branch on a tree that wasn't close to life. When you start seeing things for what they are, the world makes sense.
My manicures have begun to consume me, I'm no longer jagged. No more abrasion. It's like a catharsis not even Mary Magdalene could handle. Apostolic faith seems so futile, doesn't it?
No communion could prepare you for this.
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[14 Apr 2005|03:54pm] |
I've been sick, and a tired, and stressed. My head hurts every day, my heart races every day, and I practically throw up everytime I eat something. The only thing keeping me sane in this world is my boyfriend, because he is amazing.
Since Joey moved in things have been awesome, he really is the best thing ever, and I feel bad for every other girl out there, because I got one of the best ones, and none of you can have him ha ha.
I feel exhausted. My eyes keep wanting to shut. No matter how many hours of sleep I get, I just cannot seem to catch up. I broke, I'm tired, I just don't know what to do. Even my doctor won't help me. Fuck.
Bah humbug.
I looooooooooooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
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| VIVA LA MARILYN MANSON |
[11 Apr 2005|03:31pm] |
I fuck you because you are famous. I fuck you for your money. I fuck you to control you. I fuck you so someday I can have half of everything you own. I fuck you to fuck you over. I fuck you until I find someone better. I fuck you in secret. I fuck you because I can't remember if I already fucked you before. I fuck you out of bordem. I fuck you because I can't feel it anyway. I fuck you to make the pain go away. I fuck you so I can feel something instead of nothing at all. I fuck you because you are beautiful. I fuck you because I am your whore. I fuck you because you are a whore. I fuck you for fun. I fuck you because I can. I fuck you so I have a place to stay. I fuck you so you will protect me.
para-noir
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| It must be cast back into the firey casm from whence it came. |
[10 Apr 2005|01:45pm] |
I love hanging out with awesome females. Last night was filled with too much wine and too many shots and too many cosmos. It was sooooo good though. Danielle and Jenna made awesome food too which was a super plus. Girls nights are always amazing, I hope Jess can come one time because I think she would have a really awesome time.
It's refreshing to meet a group of girls who are mature yet know how to have a good time. There is no shit talk, no caddiness, just good times and fun, and it feels nice.
I'm kind of hungry because I have a hangover, and I usually just eat junk food on days like this. I've gained weight though so I'm trying to be good. Another awesome thing is that my dad is buying an elliptical machine so soon I will be able to do that everyday and I will lose weight in no time. Whenever I start to work out I get thinner quick, because I already have a pretty good metabolism to begin with. Once we get the elliptical I will do crunched and be toned for summer, I can't wait. Being lazy is not my thing.
I think I may take a nap soon because I'm exhausted. Oh man LOTR: Two Towers is on...the Belrog is so metal. I think I'm going to start reading the Similrilian (sp) soon. Morgoth 4L.
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| blah blah blah then it stops. |
[04 Apr 2005|12:10pm] |
Last night Joey and I exemplified the behavior of middle-aged married people. We sat in bed, ate food, and watched movies. We will most likely gain 80 pounds within the next few months, so anyone who would like to donate money for a gym membership please make checks out to Candace and Joey Southside.
So my tires are fixed...a cool $600 later. Awesome. I know one of the kids who did it. Some little 16 year old shit head named Tom Burke. My mother is going to sue them for the damages. I fucking hate little skate rat kids in Brick. If they were over 18 I'd sick Joey on them.
Friday night was INTENSE. Me, Joey, Jess, Garrett, Antonio and my mother went to club Paradise in Asbury Park. Gay bars rule. I ran into some kid I graduated with who was a dork in high school and finally came out of the closet, it ruled. Me, Jess and my mom got hammered, Joey pretty much had to carry my mother out of the club. It was funny. I think I almost tried to have sex in public too....way to go Candace.
The rest of the weekend was low-key. A little bit of furniture moving, a little bit of Chinese food, and a little bit of love.
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[03 Apr 2005|01:44pm] |
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someone slashed my tires. awesome.
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| I got 99 problems but pee ain't one. |
[01 Apr 2005|12:43pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Motorhead |
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Is it weird that I find Vincent Gallo oddly attractive?
I ate too much salad, I'm going to throw up.
Secret Lives + Daria will be here soon.
I'm going to club Paradise tonight.
Drunken debauchary will ensue.
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[31 Mar 2005|01:06pm] |
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The Valley Arena. |
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Something has been bothering me lately, a lot.
I'm really really tired of people making fun of people and their religions, people and their races, people and their mental handicaps, people and their handicaps in general.
I'm a good person, I try to have a good heart. I'm really tired of the word "fag" "homo" "faggot" "n*****" "retard" etc.
This may sound cheesy, but when people make jokes about Christopher Reeves and that Terry lady who just died, it makes me sad. How can you make fun of that? What kind of horrible human being are you? I don't understand. It's NOT funny. Being paralyzed is NOT funny. Being brain dead is NOT funny. What if it happened to you or someone you love, would it be funny then? Probably not.
People of other races should not be looked down upon. Induviduals, sure, but a whole race? No.
Also, people's religions are sacred. You have no right to make fun of someone else for what they believe in. I may not share your beliefs, but I am not going to belittle you or make you feel like you don't have the right to feel the way you do.
I'm also really sick of gay jokes. I am friends with gay people, and I take this personally. I'm tired of people making fun of kids on myspace and saying "hahaha he goes to cosmotology school what a fairy" Not only do I have a very very close friend who is gay and a hairstylist, but I have a very close heterosexual friend who is in cosmotology school. Think before you speak, especially when I have shit on you that I could spit out if I were as low as you are.
My point. If you have made out with a dude before and you are a dude, what right do you have to ever belittle anyone who may or may not be gay? You have none, and neither do any of us.
I'm going to make a concious effort to be a good person. I feel like it's time. I'm sick of being ignorant and making excuses for my horrible vocabulary of "gay" "faggot" and "retard" Enough is enough> here goes nothing.
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[29 Mar 2005|11:01am] |
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The Static Age |
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Sleeping in the same bed on a Monday night feels incredible.
Last night was really awesome. Some people just have the ability to make you smile. Me, Joey, Skange, Cait, JR, and Skott went to the mall and then went to eat at Applebees, it was good. I found shoes I want, and I'm going to buy them after work, they are only $35.
Rich Cali leaves at the end of April for six months, he's going on a world tour with the Black Crows, doing production and ordering/keeping track of merch. I'm going to miss him. He's completely wonderful inside and out, one of the best human beings I've ever met, and I love him.
My ex boyfriend served such an amazing purpose. I believe in fate and destiny and paths so much. He introduced me to both Rich, and my awesome fucking boyfriend, so when I look back at all of it, it makes so much sense, and doesn't seem like such a waste of time at all.
This weekend Joey and I are rearranging my room, I will have a TV and a DVD player in my room. All we need is a mini fridge and then we will never leave. I'm making a promise to myself that I WILL throw a bunch of shit out this weekend. My room is cluttered with shit I do not need, nor use. It's time to say goodbye to some stuff, it's long overdue.
It's getting progressively warmer out, and this makes me happy. I cannot wait for humidity and kisses with frizzy hair. I can't wait for warm torrential downpours and pool parties ala Jack Daniels.
Oh, and I almost killed us this morning, I have trouble staying on my side of the road.
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[27 Mar 2005|11:03am] |
Joey is a big idiot head.
Candace is really pretty and hot.
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[24 Mar 2005|11:08am] |
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music |
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the static age |
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I'll use a hammer and I'll keep your heart in your chest, where it belongs, inside, all the time, for me, and me alone.
You always paint pretty picutres and somehow my gray chalk always gets in the way.
You taste like caffeine and nothing is simple when it's wrong. This is right. This makes all those other times feel like nothings, like superficial specs on bread that went bad. I have a toaster oven, we are going to be alright.
This is one side, my conventional side. An attraction to tradition, my vintage disposition.
I'll cook us a dinner, and it will taste bad. It will taste like all those times that we fucked up before, and we will both laugh, because we have so many take out menus, our supply is full.
I can't wait for forever. I can't wait until 5:01 pm. I can tell that this, all of this, is going to turn out pages and pages of loose leaf that will be scattered all over. How can you glue together so many fabulous moments? No order can do them justice. Only fragments and snapshots of these sentences will capture the feel of this era.....is it an era if it never ends? I don't think so.
It's not an era....it's just IT.
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Her name was Emily, and she remembered everything. Her photgraphic memory always rewound, and she found herself in that place again, with that red shirt, on that cold night, and all the unoticed glances. She knew she was ordianry, she knew she was slightly off. Emily had a taste for everything around her, even the bad. She knew her name meant love, and she knew that the person who gave it to her would be the love of her life.
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[23 Mar 2005|11:20am] |
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mood |
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I hung out with my girls last night. Fertility for Dummies is a GREAT book.
I fell in love with Jules, Cait's bunny. He's the light of my life.
We ate macaroni and cheese and searched for this hot blonde girl on myspace. We were struggling for a while, but I pulled through by using my intense lurker skills and I found the bitch!
Me and Jules!
Joey don't be mad, I know you hate bunnies, but me and Jules are a team.
Mike Sleckman makes me smile.
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